I guess this entry is going to get kind of spoilerish, but sadly (not in a sarcastic way, this is actually really sad), RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP isn’t much worth your time anyway, so eh, read on.
SLEEPAWAY CAMP is rad. It’s that simple. It’s a modern slasher classic that I had no hesitation in returning to. It’s a case of, “I’m not sure what I want to watch, I’ll just throw on SLEEPAWAY CAMP,” or “Oh my God! You’ve never seen SLEEPAWAY CAMP?? We’re watching it right now!” How many times have you met someone who’s never seen it and then just got so excited at the prospect of making them see it and staring at their face at the end? It just contains a lot of nostalgic fun, and as far as late nights and friends go, it’s a good flick to love.
Was I stoked for RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP? Oh man, yes. As lovers of the original, my pal Gil and I diligently prepared for the highly anticipated viewing. And by diligently prepared…I mean we got food and a cheap case of “Milwaukee’s Best.”
So party time came—and barely left an impression.
The movie is all sorts of disappointment, and it’s hard to figure out where to begin. The central story is a huge problem, as no one in this film is likable. Not in the sense of “I’m fascinated by how bad of a person this character is,” but more like, “This is slightly excruciating to deal with.” The main victim of the bullying in this entry is Alan, a big-boned slob of a teen. The issue is that his torment is part of this odd vicious cycle where the kids making fun seem like assholes because of their awful pranks, but then Alan is such a little shit that he kind of deserves all the torture, and you’re never sure what came first. He himself pushes around kids smaller than him, doesn’t shower, doesn’t change his clothes and whines about the food he’s given. He also says, “Your ass stinks!” after every bit of abuse, and if I heard it one more time I was going to jump through the TV and kick the kid’s butt myself.
The best of the camp employees—Mickey, who works in the kitchen—is killed off all too quickly, as he’s pretty hilarious, and the only character we’re left with that we like is Ronnie, played by Paul DeAngelo from the original. Our love of Ronnie isn’t really a love for him, though; it’s a love for: 1. His awwwful acting; 2. The nostalgia he represents; 3. The phenomenal, ultra-amazing Guido Long Island pompadour/afro hair he’s got going on; 4. How buff he is and how he complements his buffness with stringy tank tops that are definitely from the actor’s own closet and probably date back to around the time the original SLEEPAWAY CAMP was made; and 5. How short his shorts are.
Vincent Pastore (“Big Pussy” from THE SOPRANOS) also shows up and is moderately entertaining, but mainly annoying as he spends most of the movie making verbal love to his pet bird. Isaac Hayes is in it. I don’t know why. He must have been hella bored when they offered him this, because there is literally no reason for him to appear, except to get viewers saying, “Oh man! It’s Chef from SOUTH PARK, playing a chef at a camp!” That’s not funny in the first place, and if you’re amused by that notion, I don’t want to be your friend. Hayes has about four scenes, doesn’t get offed and just kind of disappears into the background. They should’ve spent their money on anything else besides him, as a lot of the film is of not-so-high quality. There’s another counselor who’s sympathetic to Alan and serves as a red herring for the murders. She’s not a bad character; she just serves her function and doesn’t go anywhere.
In fact, the whole movie doesn’t go anywhere. It’s just some wacky kills, only one of which (the bunk bed) is actually great; silly cameos that don’t amount to anything (Ricky shows up, once again played by Jonathan Tiersten, and barely does anything except show off his cool hairstyle and look like he’s in a band, which of course he is in real life) and the lamest, most anticlimactic ending ever. Here we go into spoiler territory…
SPOILER ALERT!
The killer is Angela, a.k.a. Felissa Rose. Oh shit—really?! Yes. Surprised? You shouldn’t be. Her return is hinted at constantly as she walks around the whole movie in the silliest disguise ever (a cop uniform, a rubber nose, a fake beard and a voice simulator), and whether the movie is shooting for ultra-camp, humorous schlock or whatever, it still sucks. After the big reveal, the thing just ends. What? What the hell is that?! There could’ve been another 20 minutes. There’s a plethora of people left to kill and a whole lot of a lame movie to make up for. Instead, we get Angela recreating her famous maniacal face from the first film’s ending, except this time it’s not menacing, it just kind of looks like when one of your drunken friends does a bad impression of it.
If I seem bitter, it’s because I had high hopes, and I wanted to be super-happy and have an ultra-fun RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP. So, bottom line, just watch the original for the thousandth time.
And eat some pistachios, ’cause I really like them now.
And read BALTIMORE: OR, THE STEADFAST TIN SOLDIER AND THE VAMPIRE by Mike Mignola and Christopher Golden. It’s the best book I’ve read in quite some time, and I really can’t recommend it enough.
Terrifyingly Gnarly,
Sam
SLEEPAWAY CAMP is rad. It’s that simple. It’s a modern slasher classic that I had no hesitation in returning to. It’s a case of, “I’m not sure what I want to watch, I’ll just throw on SLEEPAWAY CAMP,” or “Oh my God! You’ve never seen SLEEPAWAY CAMP?? We’re watching it right now!” How many times have you met someone who’s never seen it and then just got so excited at the prospect of making them see it and staring at their face at the end? It just contains a lot of nostalgic fun, and as far as late nights and friends go, it’s a good flick to love. Was I stoked for RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP? Oh man, yes. As lovers of the original, my pal Gil and I diligently prepared for the highly anticipated viewing. And by diligently prepared…I mean we got food and a cheap case of “Milwaukee’s Best.”
So party time came—and barely left an impression.
The movie is all sorts of disappointment, and it’s hard to figure out where to begin. The central story is a huge problem, as no one in this film is likable. Not in the sense of “I’m fascinated by how bad of a person this character is,” but more like, “This is slightly excruciating to deal with.” The main victim of the bullying in this entry is Alan, a big-boned slob of a teen. The issue is that his torment is part of this odd vicious cycle where the kids making fun seem like assholes because of their awful pranks, but then Alan is such a little shit that he kind of deserves all the torture, and you’re never sure what came first. He himself pushes around kids smaller than him, doesn’t shower, doesn’t change his clothes and whines about the food he’s given. He also says, “Your ass stinks!” after every bit of abuse, and if I heard it one more time I was going to jump through the TV and kick the kid’s butt myself.The best of the camp employees—Mickey, who works in the kitchen—is killed off all too quickly, as he’s pretty hilarious, and the only character we’re left with that we like is Ronnie, played by Paul DeAngelo from the original. Our love of Ronnie isn’t really a love for him, though; it’s a love for: 1. His awwwful acting; 2. The nostalgia he represents; 3. The phenomenal, ultra-amazing Guido Long Island pompadour/afro hair he’s got going on; 4. How buff he is and how he complements his buffness with stringy tank tops that are definitely from the actor’s own closet and probably date back to around the time the original SLEEPAWAY CAMP was made; and 5. How short his shorts are.
Vincent Pastore (“Big Pussy” from THE SOPRANOS) also shows up and is moderately entertaining, but mainly annoying as he spends most of the movie making verbal love to his pet bird. Isaac Hayes is in it. I don’t know why. He must have been hella bored when they offered him this, because there is literally no reason for him to appear, except to get viewers saying, “Oh man! It’s Chef from SOUTH PARK, playing a chef at a camp!” That’s not funny in the first place, and if you’re amused by that notion, I don’t want to be your friend. Hayes has about four scenes, doesn’t get offed and just kind of disappears into the background. They should’ve spent their money on anything else besides him, as a lot of the film is of not-so-high quality. There’s another counselor who’s sympathetic to Alan and serves as a red herring for the murders. She’s not a bad character; she just serves her function and doesn’t go anywhere.
In fact, the whole movie doesn’t go anywhere. It’s just some wacky kills, only one of which (the bunk bed) is actually great; silly cameos that don’t amount to anything (Ricky shows up, once again played by Jonathan Tiersten, and barely does anything except show off his cool hairstyle and look like he’s in a band, which of course he is in real life) and the lamest, most anticlimactic ending ever. Here we go into spoiler territory…
SPOILER ALERT!
The killer is Angela, a.k.a. Felissa Rose. Oh shit—really?! Yes. Surprised? You shouldn’t be. Her return is hinted at constantly as she walks around the whole movie in the silliest disguise ever (a cop uniform, a rubber nose, a fake beard and a voice simulator), and whether the movie is shooting for ultra-camp, humorous schlock or whatever, it still sucks. After the big reveal, the thing just ends. What? What the hell is that?! There could’ve been another 20 minutes. There’s a plethora of people left to kill and a whole lot of a lame movie to make up for. Instead, we get Angela recreating her famous maniacal face from the first film’s ending, except this time it’s not menacing, it just kind of looks like when one of your drunken friends does a bad impression of it.
If I seem bitter, it’s because I had high hopes, and I wanted to be super-happy and have an ultra-fun RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP. So, bottom line, just watch the original for the thousandth time.
And eat some pistachios, ’cause I really like them now. And read BALTIMORE: OR, THE STEADFAST TIN SOLDIER AND THE VAMPIRE by Mike Mignola and Christopher Golden. It’s the best book I’ve read in quite some time, and I really can’t recommend it enough.
Terrifyingly Gnarly,
Sam
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